Is Your Child Annoying?

We've all felt as if ours is the most annoying child in the world. The constant questions, the repeated requests, the mess that seems to appear five minutes after you’ve tidied up, the arguing, the whining, or the behaviour that pushes us right to the edge of our patience. It's exasperating, right? In those moments, it's so easy to say things like, “You’re so annoying,” or “You’re so naughty”. But this can have a much greater impact than we intended.

Maybe your child isn't annoying, but their behaviour is... So, instead of telling a child that they are annoying, we should tell them that their BEHAVIOUR is annoying us. It might sound like a tiny change, but it can make a big difference in your kid's self-esteem - I'll explain why below.

Before we continue I just want to reassure you that there's no blame here, we weren't taught any of this so don't beat yourself up if this is news for you.

Your child is not their annoying behaviour

Children are still learning. They are learning how to manage big thoughts and feelings, navigate friendships, cope with disappointment, communicate their needs and understand the impact their actions have on others, and they need support with it every single part of it. Because they're still learning, they make a lot of mistakes along the way: they might shout when they're angry, refuse to listen when they're frustrated or repeatedly do something they've already been asked not to do. And yes, I'm with you, sometimes their behaviour will be incredibly annoying, but it's important to distinguish that a child who is behaving in an annoying way is not an annoying child. It is not who they are in terms of their identity, but rather what they are doing.

When we call our children as annoying or naughty, we risk that turning into a belief about who they are:

“I'm naughty”, “I'm annoying”, "I'm bad".

If they hear this enough they will stop trying to be anything other than naughty, annoying or bad - I have seen the after effects of this further down the line when I worked with teenagers.

Language is power

So, let's work out what we can do instead and then try our best to remember in the moment. Let's break it down:

1) Telling your child: “You are so annoying” tells them that there is something wrong with them.

2) Saying to your child: “What you're doing is really annoying me” tells them that there is something that they need to change about their behaviour.

It's important to set boundaries. particularly around behaviour but we can do so without shaming them, here's how:

Instead of saying:

• “You're so annoying.” Instead: “I'm finding that behaviour really annoying. Please stop.”

• “You're always so rude.” Instead: “The way you spoke to me was rude. Try again.”

• “You're so difficult.” Instead: “This is difficult. Let's work out what needs to happen next.”

• “You never listen.” Instead: “I've asked you more than once, stop what you're doing and listen.”

  
  

None of these alternatives excuse the behaviour - the boundary and expectation is still there. We are not looking to raise an un-boundaried or entitled generation, however we are also trying to avoid raising a generation who low self-esteem and self-worth. This approach is the answer.

I'm Susie Robbins, Behaviour Consultant working with parents and carers like yourselves, to help you understand what's going on for your child when they behave in a challenging way. If you'd like some expert support and guidance why not take a look at booking a Behaviour Consultation.