Sibling Rivalry?

The sibling relationship is notoriously difficult to manage. There's endless bickering, fighting and unkindness when all we want is for them to be best friends and look out for each other, right?

Are we making it more difficult?

When children are constantly together (or at least when we only ever see them when they're together) it is natural to see them as a unit. Without realising it, we may start parenting them as this unit, rather than as individuals.

We might expect one child to understand more because they are older or assume another should be more patient because they are usually the easy-going one. Our intentions are good, we want them to get along, to teach kindness and empathy and become good humans. We also have a deep need for our home to feel peaceful. But in focusing so much on the relationship, we can sometimes overlook the individual children within it.

Children, just like adults have different temperaments, personalities and needs. They experience the world in different ways, even when they grow up in the same home. To be honest, this does still catch me out sometimes too. Sometimes, being a fair parent means giving each child what they need, rather than giving everyone exactly the same.

Look beyond the behaviour

When siblings argue, it is easy to focus on what happened between them.

Who started it? Who took the toy? Who shouted first? How do we make it stop?!

Don't get me wrong, those questions matter, our kids do need boundaries and support in learning how to resolve conflict, AND it's helpful to look beyond the immediate disagreement and consider what each child might be experiencing:

Perhaps one child is feeling left out, maybe the other feels that they never have any time to themselves.

Instead of asking, "Why can't you two just get along?" because let's face it no good answers will come from that, let's try "How are you each feeling right now?" which will lead to a much more productive conversation.

Give each child the experience of being seen

The most valuable thing we can offer our children is the feeling that they are known individually, not just as a part of the sibling unit, but as a whole person in their own right. This means allowing each child to have their own relationship with us, rather than assuming that time together is all they need. Children need to know that there is room in this family for them to be themselves. Sibling relationships are not static. They change as children grow, as their personalities develop and as their circumstances shift. There will be periods of time where they are close and time when they need space.

Raising individuals within a family

Parenting siblings will probably never be entirely straightforward. There will be days when the arguments feel relentless, when 'fairness' seems impossible to achieve and when we wonder whether we are getting any of it right.

But let's grant ourselves some grace and make it a little less complicated by shifting our perspective: rather than seeing our children as a sibling unit that needs to be managed, we can begin by seeing the individual children who make up that unit. We can ask ourselves what each child needs and what they are trying to communicate.

By helping each child feel understood, valued and secure, we are also giving their sibling relationship a stronger foundation - our children are not just brothers and sisters, they are people, doing their own thing, growing alongside one another.

The greatest gift we can give our children is to make sure that, in the midst of family life, each of them still feels like an individual with their own, valuable identity.