Feel Like a Terrible Parent for Shouting at Your Kids?

I know you probably feel awful and, don't get me wrong I'm not going to sit with you and agree that the kids deserved it, BUT it's not as bad for the kids as you think it is - provided you put things right. I'll share tips on how to do that below.

Time for a disclaimer, I'm not for a moment suggesting that it's ok to verbally abuse your child, intimidate them or manipulate them, but I am saying that we all lose our tempers sometimes and yes we all have our limits. So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, take a breath and read on for tips on what to do next.

What to do when things go wrong (or in psychology speak: rupture)!

ALL relationships experience ruptures. It is imperative that we teach our children how to manage these ruptures in a way that supports healthy emotional development AND healthy relationship maintenance. The way that we do that is to model and teach the tools required to 'repair' any damage caused to the relationship by the rupture. I.e. - teaching our children that a disagreement or argument does not have to be the end of a relationship and that we ALL deserve relationships that strive to make amends in a truly meaningful way.

Here's the best bit: it's easy once you know how, although it will require some humility.

To repair your relationship with your child you need to apologise. Acknowledge that you didn't responded in the right way, and that you should have listened more carefully to what they needed. By offering this tiny token of reparation you are allowing your child to feel seen, validated and respected. You see what you should have done, they were right to feel upset by your actions and you respect them enough to admit that you were wrong. If apologising feels too hard then you can also make a peace offering: a hug or an invitation to do something together like a puzzle or watch a tv show are two good alternatives.

It's a small offering that is profoundly powerful to a child. Take a moment to pause and think if you have any childhood hurt and what it would mean to you for your parent or carer to have apologised...

If you are able to consistently repair the ruptures in your relationship you're teaching your child how to many conflict in a safe and healthy way. You're providing them with the tools to demonstrate how disagreements don't have to spiral into catastrophe, and that they can be recovered from. It's an important and valuable life skill.

We all get it wrong sometimes, you're not alone.